7 wank-free recipe sites for every dietary need

I’m a brat. I don’t like being told what I should and shouldn’t do, especially when it comes to eating. Don’t go telling me to quit my favourite foods, or I will cut you.

Yes, I enjoy healthy and nutritious meals, but you can fuck off with your kale and quinoa; spinach and brown rice are just fine for me, thanks. And don’t you dare try telling me that Nutella isn’t a food group and that carbohydrates are the devil’s work.

Enough with your lies!

Go burn in hell’s kitchen!

Deeeep breaths…

If you’re anything like me, then you’re awesome, and you probably want options when it comes to recipes and food porn. And unlike actual porn, you most likely want your culinary porn served up without all the wanking. So I give you my favourite wank-free recipe sites for every dietary need, that let you eat the things you love without all the self-righteousness and yelling.

Meatlovers & Special Guts: THE HEALTHY CHEF

Teresa Cutter is a vision of perfect health and her website is chockers with useful information about nutrition and common sense eating. With each of her recipes, she provides options for various dietary requirements so you can tweak them to your liking (insert nipple joke here). This is also great if you need alternate ingredients because your pantry sucks like mine does.

My favourite recipes from The Healthy Chef are the Banana Bread (gluten free and moist as fuck), Pumpkin Fruit Bread, Apple Crumble with homemade Custard (you will never by instant again) and the Naked Chocolate Cake. She is a baking wizard, obvs. My pick of the non-baking recipes is the Chili Con Carne. Whether you make the meat or the vego version, it is ridiculous. The addition of fresh coriander makes it out of this world and your guts won’t hate you the next day.

Fancy Vego Deluxe with Cheese: GREEN KITCHEN STORIES

If you’re a visual foodie, then you’ll love the beautiful imagery that the husband and wife team of Green Kitchen Stories dishes up. David and Luise are insanely gorgeous and talented humans who come up with exciting vegetarian creations, with inspiring photography and storytelling. If some of the ingredients sound a little exotic, you can easily improvise with a quick google search for real life alternatives.

One of my go-to recipes is the Coconut and Banana Pancake Cake. I started making these for my kids when they were in their finger food stage. I just left out the coconut milk and it became a super easy and healthy breakfast option for them. Just eggs, banana and coconut mixed together and made into pancakes. I would also swap out the banana for mashed pumpkin as an easy way to shove veges into their fussy little gobs. Winner.

The Bean Chili with Walnuts and Chocolate is an insane dish with the wackiest ingredients ever. It’s the ‘meatiest’ vegetarian meal I’ve ever eaten and the opposing and unexpected flavours blow my face off. It has red wine, chocolate and coffee in it, so what’s not to love? The votes are in. Flavour Town has a new mayor!

But my absolute favourite from these guys is the Spinach and Feta Pie with an Oat Crust. I just use quick oats instead of the oat and almond flours and I double all the ingredients to make a good family sized pie. Once you’ve got the crust down, you can fill it with whatever you like. I still use the eggs as the base for the filling and any leftover veges I need to use up with whatever cheese I have on hand. This is an absolute winner for cleaning out your fridge.

Potty Mouth Vegan: THUG KITCHEN

The swears and the puns got me in. The creative recipes got me overstaying my welcome. The legends behind Thug Kitchen are geniuses, completely ripping the wanker reputation from the vegan food movement with the tagline ‘Eat like you give a fuck’. Not a great place to stop by if you’re sensitive to salty language, but then again, neither is this article or Champagne Cartel in general.

Favourite bits? The cocktails of course. And the motherfucking profanity.

Carbs, Veges & Rock ‘n’ Roll: VEGGIE MAMA

Admittedly I have arrived late to the Veggie Mama party, but have fallen hard for Stacey in a very short time. I love her in every possible way and I think that if I wasn’t giving off such a creepy stalker vibe, we would be the two best friends that anyone could ever have, bonding over 80s and 90s pop culture trivia and pasta. Mmmm pasta. Veggie Mama is serving up carbs like nobody’s business and I am loading up. I have been questioning my ancenstry for years, adamant that I’m Italian due to my absolute obsession for pasta and tomatoes.

Her Facebook feed is the stuff of my culinary dreams. Here she shares her own awesome vegetarian recipes as well as links to other incredible food that give me the drools. Her Insty feed is loaded with fabulous lunch box ideas for kiddies and grown-ups alike, plus you get to see her gorgeous face pop up every now and then.

I haven’t tried too many recipes yet, as I’m only just new, but Stacey has completely changed the way I make pasta sauce with her utterly delicious tinned tomato hack, Simple Roasted Tomato Sauce. Check it out. Genius.

Oh yeah, and she’s a super funny bugger too, who has a cool 90s pop culture podcast with another of my ladyloves, Carly Jacobs from Smaggle. It’s called Sweet Teen Club.