Why I keep the toilet door shut, and other marriage savers

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Carolyn is the managing editor of Champagne Cartel. She is a freelance writer, blogger and social media strategist for businesses. In her spare time she is an obsessive runner and amateur wine and dark chocolate taster.

Do you shut the door when you use the bathroom at home? It’s an ongoing conversation among me and some of my girlfriends and we are a divided bunch. You can find us pitching our tents in three basic camps:

  1. Hell yes, because anything else is wrong and disgusting and wrong. Did I mention wrong?
  2. Yes, for number twos; but for number ones, door stays open so we can chat.
  3. Nah, we have no secrets in our house, and we clearly don’t need to find each other sexually attractive any more.

I’m going to go ahead and let you guess which camp I am in. The same goes for the dropping of one’s guts. I mean, really. Is it hard to leave the room? And there is enough focus in our house on bodily functions without us contributing to it. Here is a breakdown of conversation topics du jour at our place right now.

140605 pie chart

God, I wish I was joking.

There is so much I don’t understand about the urge to leave the door open. Here are some questions for those of you that do:

  1. Do you never want to have sex again?
  2. Are you that lonely that you can’t be by yourself for five minutes?
  3. Do you think the people you love most in the world deserve to smell the contents of your arse?

Here’s the thing: I want my husband to eventually forget about the carnage and people he saw coming out of my vagina, and to think of it as a place of fun. Like Dreamworld without the long line-ups.

I want him to think of me like this:

140605 me ed

 

Not this:

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Because by now he has figured out that I don’t look like this:

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But the least I can do is put in a bit of effort.

 

Where do you stand on this important issue? Do you think I’m being an up-tight prude? Or can I hear a ‘hell yeah!’?

Carolyn is the managing editor of Champagne Cartel. She is a freelance writer, blogger and social media strategist for businesses. In her spare time she is an obsessive runner and amateur wine and dark chocolate taster.

31 Comments

  • Reply June 4, 2014

    Joann Hewett

    I see your “hell yeah!” and raise you an “amen sister!”.

  • Reply June 5, 2014

    Carla

    definetly a door shutter here!!!

  • Reply June 5, 2014

    Fashionista

    Door closed. And separate toilet in the ensuite/bathroom so there is NO excuse. It doesn’t matter how intimate you are, there is no need to go to the toilet in front of each other. Ever.

    And I have steadfastly refused to speak to my children through the toilet door. FFS, they can survive 2 minutes without me in sight.

    • Oh yes! I agree wholeheartedly. We used to have separate toilets too but in our current house, the cats have taken over one bathroom with their litter tray (don’t get me started) so us humans are sharing just the one. It’s a challenge, that’s for sure. Because boys.

  • Reply June 5, 2014

    Champagne Tara

    I’m always confused by these conversations – would you think your husband is sexually undesirable because you happened to see him sitting on the loo? If not, why would you think he regards you any less fondly? It’s also amusing when women say that they keep their ablutions to themselves because there needs to be “some mystery” left in the relationship. I’m sorry to break it to you, but he knows you poop. It’s actually no mystery at all that what goes in must come out! Or do they really think their menfolk are super perplexed about what’s going on in there??!! As for me, I prefer to poop alone because, hell, it’s moments of peace and who doesn’t want that, but if the significant other walks in to grab a towel or whatever, I’m not going to file for divorce either. He does prefer, however, that I don’t run through the apartment screaming “I’m prairie-doggin!’” That IS TMI.

    • I know he knows, Tarz. And he knows that I know. But we are happy to leave it there. The minute I am smelling that man’s backside contents is the moment I absolutely no longer wish to have sex with him. Sorry, but there it is.

  • You are hilarious!! I love your pie chart, especially the ‘it’s not fair’ – I get so little time to myself I always shut and lock the door no matter who is home or where I am!!

  • Reply June 5, 2014

    mumabulous

    The pie chart pretty much sums up the conversation in Chez Abs too – except in our case the politics section would be replaced by me raving on about Don Drapper and/or the Vikings and my husband not caring less. I am a supporter of door shutting in theory but it doesn’t always work in practice.

    • Yeah, we’re politics nerds here. It’s an illness. I’ve never got into the Mad Men thing. I know I am absolutely in the minority. There is something wrong with me.

  • Reply June 5, 2014

    Maxabella

    I’m a door fully shut kind of gal. x

  • Number 1s I am ok with.. Number 2 NO WAY!!!!! xx

  • Reply June 6, 2014

    V.

    Hell yeah!

  • I tend to shut the door, however little people tend to follow me, and since one little person figured out how to turn handles and open doors, it’s a lucky dip what Dave might find when he comes to the bathroom. In fact, the other day I went to the bathroom by myself. By the end of it I had the toddler standing there remarking “That was a big poo Mummy”, the baby lying on the floor looking up at me, and Dave standing on the other side of the door trying to have a conversation with me about God knows what. The only way from there is up, surely?

  • We still maintain the sanctity of the loo – there should be a certain mystery between a man, a woman and their toileting habits!

  • Reply June 7, 2014

    Lifeblooming

    You must have been peeking in the window cos that there pie chart is spot on!
    I’m definitely a door shut kinda gal – not for his sake but for mine. Surely there is somewhere I can get some time alone in this house?? Not if the kids have anything to do with it that’s for sure.

    • I know! When I was a kid I always wondered why my mum took so long in the toilet. Now I get it. I take ages too. It’s so nice in there.

  • Haha I close the door, but I don’t shut it. And that is purely out of laziness. But it drives my husband nuts. I don’t get his problem – for all intents and purposes the door is closed … but apparently because I don’t go that extra step of actually clicking it ‘fully shut’, this makes me a terrible and unhygienic person!

  • Reply June 9, 2014

    Charlie

    I used to be a door shut kind of girl, but after hubby having 7 rounds of chemo, total body radiation and a bone marrow transplant and me beng there through the whole thing, there is no un-seeing the things that I saw. When u have to swab your husband’s bottom every Monday to test for a particular germ, it is a little hard to keep the mystery. I don’t find him any less attractive because of it. Doesn’t mean I am going to go in with him for a chat but if we happen to catch a glimpse of each other on the loo, I think we can still safely assume the sex will still happen!

    • Yes, Charlie, I imagine living together through adversity like that must dramatically change the dynamic and your perspective on what matters. Glad to hear the flame is still there after all you’ve been through together!

  • Reply June 10, 2014

    Lila

    I’m afraid I’m a door open person, otherwise the toddler is just going to scream and bang on it anyway which kind of makes it hard to go!
    But am happy to (brag) report that our sex life is completely unfazed by my lack of boundaries. Maybe that’s another bonus of the much younger husband ;)

  • SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! That was being shouted at Mr Styling who likes to do Number 1s with the door open. Thankfully Number 2s never get spoken about or shared.

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