Friday Fizz: The Week When We Said “Bear With Me, I’ve Got A Lot To Say”

Britney wants her life back and we can't blame her. Image: Instagram

Look, I don’t want to talk about Barnaby either, but you know we can’t talk about news affecting women this week and avoid him, so let’s just get it over with…

  • Barnaby Joyce challenged poor old Michael “Classy Loser” McCormack for the leadership of the National Party – and by default, the role of Deputy Prime Minister of our nation – this week. It’s weird, don’t you think, that a party with such flagging popularity and soaring irrelevance can just step into the role as DPM? (And actually acting PM, since our great and fearless leader was in quarantine.) Women around the country groaned, and not in the hot way, given all the conversations we’ve been having about the way women are treated in politics since Barnaby’s been gone. Let’s not forget Barnaby was accused of alleged sexual harassment back in 2018 – an accusation he denies. But still not a great look for a government that wants the women of Australia to pipe down and stop banging on about all the dodgy sexist shit that goes on in Canberra. We hope Jenny is prepping a dossier of platitudes for ScoMo…
Laurel Hubbard has made history by making the NZ women’s Olympic weightlifting team. Image: instagram
  • In progressive sporting news this week, Laurel Hubbard was selected for the New Zealand women’s weightlifting team for the Tokyo Olympics. What’s noteworthy about this is that Laurel, 43, will be the first transgender woman to compete at the event. The Olympic committee brought in new guidelines for testosterone levels for transgender athletes in 2015, so it’s taken a while but we’re happy to see things shifting in the right direction. The newish guidelines have their critics but who gives a fuck. Another transgender woman, BMX rider Chelsea Wolfe, will also travel to Tokyo as part of the US team, but she’s listed as an alternate so is not guaranteed to ride at this stage.
  • Now to dating news, and dating apps have started to include a new feature which might help you to decide which way to swipe: vaccine stickers. That’s right, if you’re concerned about catching something (sorry, just the one thing right now), you can check your Tinder, Bumble and Hinge matches for their vaccine status. If only they had the same functionality for misogynists, dudes not over their exes, and guys who pronounce the ‘J’ in jalapeño. Well, they kind of do – they’re the ones holding the big fish or grinning next to drugged tigers…
  • In the world of show biz, Britney Spears spoke in court yesterday about her father’s conservatorship, breaking years of public silence and horrifying the world that a grown woman could be treated in such an appalling way. “Bear with me. I’ve got a lot to say,” is how she opened her incredible speech, in which she accused her father of being responsible for her drugging, forced contraception, and basically slave labour. Britney accused Jamie Spears, who has had control of her life and finances since 2008, of abuse and said she cries every day. The court is yet to make a decision over whether to give Britney her life back but fucking hell, that woman has been through enough, don’t you think?
Sharon honestly couldn’t give a fuck what you think. Image: Instagram
  • Sharon Stone copped a caning this week for an old story of her complaining about being asked what it was like to work with Meryl Streep – and about the iconisation of a few select women in Hollywood, at the expense of many other talented, hard-working actresses. “I like the way you phrase that, that I finally got to work with Meryl Streep,” she said. “You didn’t say, ‘Meryl finally got to work with Sharon Stone.’ Or we finally got to work together.” That apparently meant that she’s bitter and competitive and doesn’t respect Meryl Streep – and many called it “a career ending interview”. Or it could just be that she’s tired of the same bullshit questions and doesn’t give a fuck about bowing deferentially to the Hollywood hierarchy (no criticism of Queen Meryl – we’re big fans, but Hollywood does reward women who don’t share their opinions too widely). Twitter went off like a pack of jackals, because that’s what they do when a woman dares to stick her head above the parapet. A man in Hollywood has to literally be trying to cook and eat women to cop the same ex-communication treatment but nobody cares.
  • And finally, our legend of the week goes to a bartender in Florida who helped two women shake off a creepy dude by sneaking her a note disguised as a receipt. Max Gutirrez was lauded online by Trinity Allie after he handed her a note that said, “If this guy is bothering you, put your ponytail on your other shoulder, and I will have him removed. He’s giving me the creeps.” Allie moved her hair, and Max kicked the guy out. Of course, Twitter loved it. Except for the man baby contingent who think the poor guy was probably just looking for a friend, all women are bitches, and Max is using this as a tactic to block innocent dudes hitting on women so he can have them for himself. Waaaaaahhhh!

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Written By

Carolyn is the editorial director of Champagne Cartel and a freelance writer. In her spare time she is a long-distance runner, peanut butter enthusiast, and single mum to three incredible humans.

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