I have absolute respect and admiration for single mums. I used to be one myself, so I understand just how relentless the responsibility can be – no time to pop out for a run or a yoga class. No sneaky glass of wine on the deck while someone else handles baths and bedtime stories and homework problems. You are on duty from first thing in the morning until last thing at night – and often on call during those dark hours in between.
But since I married Husby I have become soft and lazy. He is pretty great at getting home in time for kids’ dinners and baths, and he is also awesome at taking them to the park when I want to go to yoga, or getting breakfast for all three when I go for my early morning runs. I highly value my ‘me time’ – and I have come to take it for granted.
The pay-off is that I am a member of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Spouse. Husby goes away for work with reasonable regularity – in fact, he’s off at the Great Barrier Reef right now saving a turtle or some fecking thing (he works for a large multi-national environmental group – usually in an office, but sometimes he feels the need to ‘get his hands dirty’ – also known as ‘go snorkelling’). Super news for the turtle, but this throws my world into a bit of kid-crazy disarray. But I have gradually learned through trial and tantrum-inducing error to be organised. And lately have even found, with some decent planning, it can actually be quite fun when Husby goes away.
My three year old son barely knows I’m alive when his father is around, but during those travel times, I get some serious toddler love. And I notice my three all getting along with each other a lot better – it’s like they band together to get through the trying time of being left alone with their crazy, slightly-scary mum.
Here are my tips for making that solo parenting time as easy as possible:
- Plan all your meals and prepare what you can in advance. Make a huge salad and keep it in the fridge. Chop your vegetables and keep them in a container of water (except potatoes – they go grey and ewy). If you’re feeling particularly superwoman-ish get some meals ready beforehand and shove them in the freezer – pasta bakes, lasagne, shepherds pie, casserole, etc. are all great for this. Make sure you have snacks ready to go, and enough bread and milk to keep you going.
- Organise at least one outing a day (on non-work days) so you aren’t at home all day. It doesn’t have to be much, but try to find another adult to talk to for at least an hour. Otherwise you will go effing nuts. Then you suffer, and the children suffer. Trust me.
- Relax your standards. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if they watch a bit of extra TV, eat a pizza instead of veggie soup, skip a bath or sleep in their play clothes. The world will keep on spinning and – because you’re alone – nobody will know. Shhhhhhhhh! (Until the children open their big yaps – and you know they will – most likely when talking to your mother-in-law or overachieving organic baby-wearing neighbour).
- Ensure you are stocked with your treat of choice: wine, chocolate, nail polish, several seasons of QI, those embarrassing magazines that you swear you only ever read at the doctor’s office. Go trashy, who cares!
- Ensure you have your Champagne Day booked in soon after your partner gets back (renamed from its original ‘Carolyn Day’ because, well, I can’t hog ALL the fun). We have a system in my house that if Husby is away for two nights or more, I get a Champagne Day on the following Monday. Husby takes the kids all day and I get the day to myself to do whatever I fancy. Only (self-imposed) rule is that I don’t work and I don’t do chores. I have spent previous Champagne Days at the movies, getting a pedicure, catching up with friends for lunch, browsing bookshops, and reading in the park. Champagne Days are very happy days. And Husby gets to reacquaint himself with the children. Win!
Does your partner travel for work? What do you do to get by?
Yes! yes!!! I love this. I’m part of the travelling sisterhood. Can there be no pants-wearing added to your list of tips too? I am a big fan of ditching them when nobody is around to see, and my girls seem to have adopted my habits, preferring undies as their bed attire. China is my nemesis. I’ve posted about it before. Everything goes wrong during China time, so I’m totally adopting your champagne day for myself after the next trip next week. I’m usually a sobbing wreck by the time he gets back after juggling full time work and school and no nanny (Childcare in crisis!) for a week. Woah. Haven’t blogged for a while. Sorry. Blurt.
No he doesn’t. NOw I wish he did! I love QI!!
Ha! Husby hates QI so I relish those quiet evenings where I can watch it in peace without the snide comments. Does yours like it?
Great tips! I’m going to forward this link to a friend whose hubby travels a lot too! xx
I love the idea of a Champagne Day. My husband doesn’t work away often, but it’s normal for him to leave at 4/5am and not get home until 6.30 that night. He then spends most of the weekend cycling.. I think I deserve some Champagne time too!
Oh yes, for sure, Lauren! The trick is to reach an in-principle agreement first and then apply it as appropriate. Totally worth it! (BTW I know loads of women married to cyclists who never see their husbands – what is it about cycling??)
My husband doesn’t travel, but works ridiculously long hours quite often. With two little people, it’s darn hard work. I want a Champagne Day….
Yes! You deserve one too Bec. Do it!
Loved this post, some really awesome ideas there!
Thanks Deb!
Wonderful idea Carolyn! Mine doesn’t work away on a regular basis, but does the most ridiculous hours, so I think I deserve a champagne day too 🙂
Absolutely! It’s all about negotiating an arrangement that works for you. x
I live in Perth where there are a LOT of FIFO workers and whilst my hubby is not, the main complaint heard is that when hubby returns the great routine you and the kids have set gets thrown into chaos and having to share the bed again.
Hope you ENJOY hubby returning.
Hahahaha, yes I see that side too. Sometimes it feels like we’ve just got into a routine and then everything is turned upside down again. I still like having him home though – he’s a bit of all right.
My hubby doesnt actually travel for work although is it wrong that I am wising a little that he did so I can gorge on tv and chocolate? xx
It’s not an imperative – I fully support the watching of TV and the eating of chocolate regardless of spousal presence. I’m sure you do all right. 😉
My husband used to be away for work every second week, as long as I was getting enough sleep I found it almost easier when he was home for some reason! Your tips are great and very similar to what I did also, important to be organised with all things particularly meals and to have an outing planned, however small for every day. Great tips x
Thanks Carla, I agree: sleep is king. It was ironic that this week – when I published this piece – I was actually struggling big time on my own. All because I didn’t get enough sleep the first couple of nights. It just makes everything else hard, doesn’t it!
Sending post to my husband….
Ha! Good work!
Yes, yes, yes to all!! My husband works away on a 28:28 rotation and travels on days off so it’s 30 days away 26 days at home (but who’s counting.) I’ve had to think hard and plan to make this work out for me and the four bairns… and it involves a lot of pizza… The upside is that when he’s home he doesn’t work at all… that’s fab for the kids and for me. But I need to improve my champagne time overall, Carolyn… I love mental stimulation and tend to work too much… interesting but stressful and a bit daft. Good to see you last night!
And you, Seana! Balance is an elusive beast, isn’t it. When Husby is away I tend to work nights and wear myself out a bit – something I am trying to temper. At least we love what we do, right?
Great tips Carolyn! My husband travels a lot for work, and my number one suggestion is to lean on your support network. Call your mum, sister or best friend to have some adult conversation. Invite a friend with kids over and do the witching hours together: bathe and feed the kids (with a glass of wine in hand).
Such good tips, thanks Sally! I enjoyed a meal made by Gillian tonight, which was brilliant. xx