Love Your Vajootz: 8 Ways To Stay Healthy Downstairs

Back when I was at uni, my housemate was a member of an underground feminist movement that sticker-bombed all the campus buildings and men’s toilets at uni with a stark monochrome sticker that said, in big block letters, “I love my cunt.”

They were absolutely titillated at their own brashness, and full of that fresh-faced bolshiness that comes with being a young political science student and thinking you’re the first one to think of such cutting edge stuff as that.

Bless.

Their point was to reclaim the word for women, rather than have it used as an insult for Macca when he nicks off to the loo when it’s his round. But the point is valid here too. How much love do you show yours?

No, I’m not talking about that sort of love (but let’s all keep that action up too). I’m talking about keeping your little friend healthy and happy so she, in turn, will be kind to you. Because a healthy vagina may be something you take for granted, but when yours isn’t feeling awesome, you know about it. And gosh darn it, doesn’t she do a whole lot for you?

Here are eight ways you can show your vajootz the respect she deserves:

Get rid of your cheap pantaloons. Cotton is the way to go because it breathes and absorbs moisture. Go for shiny red PVC with just the cotton gusset if you must, but all cotton is better. Or lose the knicks and let it all hang out if you’re that way inclined. Going commando is FABULOUS for letting everything breathe – but don’t do that if you’re going to the gym or sitting on a germy train seat, unless you would readily rub your vagina on any given stranger on the street. Which I advise against, as a general rule.
Do your pelvic floors. Every. Single. Day. Yes, I know it’s a pain in the – ahem – arse, but so is weeing yourself in the office when you sneeze. Only more so. Plus, a fit vagina is an orgasmic vagina. I rest my case, your honour. If you need some help in this department, we learned some killer pilates moves a while back that are a perfect place to start.
Eat natural or Greek yoghurt with live cultures. This stuff boosts good bacteria which can help protect you against yeast infections. Just be sure to take it orally – do NOT shove it up your jaxie. And avoid the sugary stuff. Even if it has live cultures, the sugar and other crap in it can cause you more issues that they’re worth, including making your even more susceptible to yeast infections. Well played, yoghurt…
Get wet. There, I said it. Don’t have sex if your vagina isn’t ready, or lube up if you need to (water-based please). All sorts of factors can cause vaginal dryness (the pill, breastfeeding, hormones, antihistamines, antidepressants, a less than exciting partner, for a start), but forging ahead with the match when the turf is dry is only going to lead to abrasions and damage that will make it even less fun to play on next time. And we do want there to be a next time, right? RIGHT??
Don’t use any weird douches or perfumes, and give a swerve to that rose-scented soap Aunty Margie gave you for Christmas too. Your vagina is clean and it is supposed to smell like that. Leave it the hell alone. (Unless you know it isn’t supposed to smell like that, in which case, see your doctor immediately.) Soap can dry out the skin of your vulva, which doesn’t sound like a good thing either (“please excuse my flakey vulva,” is not a sentence any of us should ever have to say). Just a swish around with warm water is enough.

Please excuse my flakey vulva
Go easy on antibiotics. Sure, use them occasionally if you are fighting an infection, but don’t use them just in case, or if you have a virus. They don’t work, and they will kill your friendly vaginal bacteria (don’t they sound fun?). If you must take them, please load up on the yoghurt. Again, take it ORALLY.
Use a condom. This might not be so popular with a lot of you and your good-time buddies (okay, or me), but it is good for you. Even if you’re in a monogamous relationship, rolling on a frenchie can help protect you from yeast infections, UTIs and vaginal bacteriosis – which does not sound like friendly bacteria to me.
Enjoy sex in the right order. Look, I don’t want to come into your house and tell you how to do the love-making thing, but I will say this: if you get into anal sex, please don’t then go back to vaginal sex without a decent wash in between. You’ve spent your whole life wiping front to back for a reason. I’ll let you sort out the finer details of that one yourself.