Friday Fizz: the one where women ‘won’ the budget and everyone flipped the bird

Champagne Cartel Friday Fizz New of the week for women
I think this lady would like you to mask up, please and thank you. Image: Supplied

Oh Friday, how we love you! Here’s what’s been going down in our wonderful world this week:

  • Berlin has taken a slightly coarse approach to encouraging everyone to vaccinate but you’ve got to hand it to them – they cut right to the heart of the issue. Little old ladies are pissed off because their mates are dying, so get vaccinated already, dickheads.  Check out the ad here.
  • Christine Holgate was appointed CEO of Global Express, a direct competitor of Australia Post, giving the middle finger to all “bullied” and “humiliated” her out of her job, and to the Chairman of Australia Post who threw her “under the bus”. ScoMo hasn’t called to congratulate her yet, apparently. “I haven’t heard from the prime minister yet. He can find my number on the internet and I will take his call any day,” she told Today.
Christine holding her hands together to stop herself giving the bird to the PM right down the camera. Image: Channel 9
  • Our coalition government delivered a budget which everyone and her pussy has labelled “the women’s budget”, which more than makes up for any rapes that may have occurred at parliament house, MPs who wanked on their desks, and the fact that Christian Porter has quietly returned to work because, you guys, he’s feeling MUCH better, thanks for asking. We did get an extra $350 million for women’s health, and $1.1 billion for women’s safety, including domestic and sexual violence prevention programs, which is heartening. Old mate must have had a long convo with Jen and the girls before he came up with that one. It was a bit confusing that the new childcare subsidy, which admittedly will be handy for some families (but will still continue to send home gastro once a fortnight and charge half a family’s income for the privilege) was touted as part of the “women’s budget”. Gosh it will be lovely when men are allowed to have babies too. As Annabel Crabb so beautifully put it, our government will attempt to take the credit for doing all this for women, but the ones who really should be taking a bow are the pissed off women who painted placards and hit the streets because they’re sick of the bullshit. They’re the ones who forced the government’s hand, so to all of you we say THANK YOU.
South Park voice: Matt Damonnnnnnn! Image: Today
  • Ahhhh Bennifer. Remember when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were engaged and smooshing celebrity couple’s names together was new and fun? Smart money is on Bennifer being back with a vengeance now that J-Lo and A-Rod are no longer. And look, I have to be honest, I wouldn’t care all that much except for the fact that Matt Damon commented on it in the most Aussie way possible – from a TAB, first saying, “There’s not enough liquor in the world for you to get me to say something about that.” (And kind of looking like he might have tested that thoery in the past 12 hours.) Then he did follow up with a warmer approach, saying: “I love them both, I hope it’s true, that would be awesome.” And Bette Midler made us giggle, but not too much, so our pants stayed mercifully dry.

  • Oh, and Ellen finally put an end to all the rumours and confirmed she’s leaving her talk show after 19 seasons. She says she’s calling it quits because it’s not a challenge any more, and absolutely nothing to do with her staff saying she’s basically Cruella DeVil in flat shoes. And, look, we don’t know either way so we’ll just thank her for all the sharp quips and the awkward dancing, and see who social media decides to disembowel next.
  • Last but not least, did you miss International Hummus Day this week? Of course, we’d never miss it either, but this site let’s you put a reminder in your calendar so you can be sure it’s always given the wholehearted celebration it deserves.
Written By

Carolyn is the editorial director of Champagne Cartel and a freelance writer. In her spare time she is a long-distance runner, peanut butter enthusiast, and single mum to three incredible humans.

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