Ho ho ho people, my favourite time of year is here. It’s the silly season, hurrah!!!!
In days long gone, I would tart myself all round and blag my way onto the invite list to any ole bash. No matter how big or small.
Some quite fabulous.
And some truly tragerama:
- Ladies drink free Christmas happy hour at the suburban old man pub? TICK!
- My Dad’s rotarian champagne brekky with gropey santa? TICK!
- Husband’s daggy public service work drinks? TICK!
Why? Because ’tis the season to be jolly!
With baby, the most exciting thing I’ve got on my calendar is the girls’ night, which has already happened…sadface. Read about that one here.
Although still to come, I do get to download my new Christmas album. Last year was Mariah Carey or Michael Buble, I think. Year before that was a Glee Christmas (RIP Corey). This year, I’m thinking Friar Alessandro. Seriously.
Moving right along…Here are my top tips for getting prepped and looking sensational for your many Christmas events.
Beware: much of what you will read below is vain, purile rubbish. If you think that carrying on about frocks and makeup is utter drivel and you wouldn’t waste your time with such inanities, best you stop reading NOW.
Get a spray tan. Do it the day before your event. Not too dark, you don’t want to look like Snooki, like I did at a recent wedding. You’ll look skinnier, healthier and somehow happier. Nuff said.
Sort your outfit
Decide what you’re wearing well in advance. As in the week before. That way if you need a new pair of earrings or to lose 5 kg (hahaha!) or something, you’ve got time.
Choose your outfit wisely
Select something that is comfortable and won’t show sweat. Make sure it won’t easily malfunction. If you’re inexperienced, avoid at all costs anything that needs to be taped on, belted or wrapped a certain way – you’re bound to end up at 11pm completely dishevelled looking like you’ve been through a storm, with your boob or front bum hanging out without your knowledge. Awkward.
Accessorise in a non-fugly way
If you are wearing a chunky necklace, don’t wear earrings. Lame. You are permitted, however, to wear chunky earrings and loads of bangles and a huge fabulous cocktail ring. Check out the brilliant Nikki Parkinson’s advice on accessories here. If you’ve got gold on your belt/shoes/watch/favourite ring make sure all your accessories are gold. Same for silver, obviously. Never, under any circumstances, wear Christmas-themed jewellery, unless you’re being ironic. Or if you’re young and attractive, then you can wear reindeer antlers on your head, kinda sexy, kawaii.
Tame your tresses
If you’re doing your hair yourself, do a practice run the week before. Christina from Hair Romance has some awesome tutorials. If you have hair anything like mine, which is frizzy as a bastard, thick as and down to my waist, you’ll need to seek the help of a professional, with strong arms. I get mine washed and blow-dried the day before an event. I usually try to make it coincide with when my colour needs doing. When my hair isn’t done I look like a yeti. Otherwise you can do something super simple like put it up in a high bun, scraped off your face if you look okay like that, or give yourself a bit of a quiff.
I can’t stand seeing gross feet on people. Just paint your yellowed claws, all right! And while you’re at it, pluck your goddamn toes. You don’t have to spend lots of money on pedicures, just get a bottle of $1 polish in a bright colour and go for it. If your feet are really bloody terrible wear a pair of pointy-toe stilettos. They never go out of style.
The war paint
Do your make-up about two hours before you leave. That way you’re not rushing to put it on at the last minute, plus it will have time to settle. You can touch it up on your way to the party if you need. I’ve posted easy make-up tips here and here. But if you do absolutely nothing else, at least put on some lipstick – most people have pale lips and without a bit of colour you can look half-dead.
You have two choices:
- A gorgeous little clutch. I usually take one of these if I have the car with me and can leave behind my cardi, make-up and comfortable shoes for later.
- A slighter larger bag that fits said items in it. If I’m going to be taking public transport, walking any distance, outside in windy place, sweating off my make-up, at an all-day affair, etc. (you get the drift) I go for option 2 so I have all my stuff with me.
I’ve noticed a lot of these posts end up with a community health message about the dangers of drinking or eating too much. None of that here. Do what the hell you like, I don’t care. Eat like it’s your last meal, eat nothing. Drink red stuff, white stuff, clear stuff, watery stuff. Whatevs. Just have a seriously fun time. Santa would want you to!