When I separated from my eldest daughter’s father more than eight years ago, I felt guilty about pretty much everything. All the happy birthday dinners she wouldn’t have. All the beautiful nuclear family moments that were lost forever because we were no longer all under the same roof. The Christmases that would be forever spent dividing time and ferrying back and forth. Because what I was measuring my less than ideal life against was pretty much a Meadow Lea commercial circa 1983.
Although I knew without doubt that it was the best thing for my ex and I to split – for everyone’s sake – I still mourned for the plans we had, the dreams we lost, and the life I wanted for my daughter that would never be.
Of course, what has transpired since then has been the most wonderful course of events for everyone. I have married an awesome guy and had two more kids, my ex is in a happy relationship with a wonderful woman who my daughter adores, my ex and I are great friends rather than the resentful strangers we ended up being when we lived together.
We are all happy.
When we first split, my daughter – two at the time – would cry for her dad when she was with me. And when she was with my ex, she would cry for me. That’s what kids do. It tugs at our heartstrings and makes us wonder whether we’ve done the right thing. We feel guilty that we’re putting our children through this turmoil.
Of course, guilt isn’t limited to family separation. There are myriad ways those little buggers can lay on the guilt. You didn’t let them do the sport they wanted at school. They don’t get to go overseas on holidays because you decided that reinventing your career was more important than money at this stage in your life, they don’t have all of the Ninjago action figures but their friends do. You know the drill.
Always. Something.
Here’s what I think about guilt: the feeling comes to you to give you an opportunity to rethink a choice you’ve made. If you change your mind, guilt has served a purpose. If you don’t plan on going back to your ex/going back to your shitty high-paying job/buying all the toys…then guilt serves no practical purpose.
Wallowing in it won’t improve your life and it sure won’t make you a more fun person to be around. It’s a choice – wallow or use that energy to remind yourself of all the great reasons you made that choice to being with. I reckon the latter is more fun.
Easy to say; harder to do. But well worth the effort, wouldn’t you say?
How do you deal with guilt?
Not saying I don’t ever feel guilt but it really is a pointless emotion – the stress, worry, self doubt! I mean there’s enough going on in my head and life, trying to do my best (most of the time – sometimes I’m quite happy to be average) that I have been trying to consciously free myself from guilt. Good article Carolyn.
Good on you, Sarah – love your outlook! xx
Oh I am excellent at guilt but it really serves no useful purpose. I am even sitting here today feeling guilty about the way I spoke to the kids this morning. They were epically crap at getting ready for school so I read them the riot act. Now I feel bad. Although lately I have been saying to the kids, “I am doing the best I can.” Great post x
Thanks Anna. They totally deserved it – you’re awesome. 🙂
“Here’s what I think about guilt: the feeling comes to you to give you an opportunity to rethink a choice you’ve made.” Well said!
I feel guilty constantly, every time I am a bit short with the kids and they give you THAT look… every time I miss something at school because of work and Miss 6 just doesn’t understand, every time I pull out a pre packaged meal for dinner, because I am just too tired to cook anything…it’s endless!
Oh no! They are so good at THAT look, aren’t they!