Why that New Years detox is a load of shite

Why that New Years detox is a load of shite

I have been eating like a Hungry Hungry Hippo ever since the middle of December. It’s been divine. I’ve been baking treats for teachers, and making special desserts for the family, and sharing home-made truffles with friends. (One for you, one for me…) And then there have been the elaborate celebratory dinners, and the incessant snacking.

I tell you, it has been the best culinary fun I’ve had all year.

And between Christmas and New Year things really picked up there for a bit. There was somehow a giant Toblerone bar left over from something that I just couldn’t allow to sit there in the fridge…

Why that new years detox is a load of shite
It’s fun to pretend you don’t usually smash 27 in your face all at once.

Now, if your Facebook feed is anything like mine, you will have been offered all manner of detox programs that will sort you out and cleanse your system for a sterling start to 2017.

You can do yoga poses to clean out your system, crazy workouts to burn off the Christmas pudding, juice cleanse programs to flush out those toxins…Vogue even told their readers how to detox in advance to prepare for future gluttony (gluttony in that case is probably defined by eating a few too many salad leaves, but I digress…).

Cherie's Pacific sand enema wasn't quite as rejuvenating as she'd hoped.
Cherie’s Pacific sand enema wasn’t quite as rejuvenating as she’d hoped.

The detox is touted as the cure for all the punishment we’ve put out bodies through over the holiday season.

But I’m calling big fat bullshit.

It’s well documented that you cannot detox your body. It’s a load of marketing hogwash designed to make us ashamed of our bodies and the fact that we’ve had a really rather nice time drinking champagne and eating chocolate mousse cake, thank you very much.

Just like creams that bleach our labia, or Lorna Jane pants that don’t come in anything bigger than an Extra Miniscule, these products are designed to make us feel shit about ourselves…so that we buy that product.

But I get it. We all feel a little bit bloated and we want to distance ourselves from that bovine creature on the couch stuffing handfuls of Mint Slices into her mouth with gay abandon. There needs to be a line in the sand.

But why are we conditioned to feel ashamed for relaxing, wearing our elastic waisted pants and having a very nice time with food? I refuse to feel ashamed of the intimate relations I’ve shared with foodstuffs over the past month. It’s been bloody glorious, I loved every minute, and I’d do it all again.

Actually, I will do it all again. Same time this year.

I won’t be sorry for that either. And I certainly won’t go trying to ‘fix’ it afterwards by punishing my body in a meaningless way that doesn’t actually achieve anything. (Now that I put it like that, I’m wondering if the Catholic Church I grew up with isn’t in charge of the detox industry…)

So here’s what I’ll be doing from now on this year: I’ll be eating plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, as I usually do. I’ll be adding complex carbohydrates, protein and yes, my favourite, some delicious fats. I’ll drink plenty of water, and I’ll exercise as I usually do.

Why that new years detox is a load of shite
Maxine had only looked at the cruciferous vegetables but she was already farting like a demon possessed.

And equally importantly, I’ll be speaking kindly to myself. I’ll be meditating, breathing deeply and stopping to smell the roses. Because although nothing will cleanse your body, those are the things that rejuvenate my soul.

And I’ll look forward to next December, with its fun parties, good food and booze, family and friends. I am going to tear that shit up and have fun doing it.

Care to join?

Want more reasons to eat chocolate? Check out this important info.

Check out these great sites if you have special dietary needs.



Written By

Carolyn is the editorial director of Champagne Cartel and a freelance writer. In her spare time she is a long-distance runner, peanut butter enthusiast, and single mum to three incredible humans.


  • I love this post so much! You’ve absolutely nailed how I feel about my food indulgence this holiday season! Once life gets back to a routine, I’m just going to return to the good habits I was practicing last year. I won’t be hating on myself or doing ridiculous stuff. Because I am not ashamed I enjoyed myself either! I shall look forward to it again at the end of 2017!

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