Old growth forest or bald eagle – how to groom your pubes like a boss

The Seventies has been popping its funky head back up since, well, the Seventies. Fashion, music, fashion and music have all made multiple comebacks and now, apparently, it’s time for the full bush to have a turn.  Hey, I’m down with you all rocking a natural vibe in your high pants if that’s your groove, I just can’t for the life of me grow that ‘fro back.  You dig?

I sported my own lush ‘Map of Tassie’ well into my twenties, not because I liked it, but because I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it.  As long as it didn’t hang out the sides of my bikini, I was happy.  My beauty therapist friend had tried to indirectly tell me that ‘trimming’ was a thing that people did, but I was completely oblivious to her subtle suggestion and kept scratching away at the steel wool mound that so attractively padded out my undies.

AmericanApparel
American Apparel’s full bush mannequins from 2014

The time was pre-internet Nineties, so the only full frontal nudity I had seen was catching a re-run of 1971’s Vampyros Lesbos on late night SBS. I came across some ‘literature’ in my ex’s drawer once – while innocently looking for something else, of course – and as I flicked through the magazines I couldn’t help but notice the images on the pages depicting very well groomed ladies obviously getting themselves dressed for the day.  Some had yet to put their knickers on so it was very clear to see how they chose to keep it tidy down there. I wondered, “Is this how I’m supposed to take care of my pubes?”  It looked way nicer than the lap ‘fro I was sporting, so with hand mirror in tow, I began my adventures in hair removal.

Hair removal creams

My first dabble in pubic maintenance was good old Nair and I loved it.  It took a lot of product and nearly a whole box of tissues, but I finally discovered what all the fuss was about.  I wasn’t quite a baldy, but there was smoothness and tidiness where there had only ever been follicular mayhem. Bozo the Clown had left the building and in his place was a strapping young Mohican. I got rid of everything underneath and just left a small, trimmed triangle on top.  There was no going back for me.  It was the year 2000 and I had finally caught up to the pubic stylings of the early nineties.  I felt alive!

Pros : Gives a very smooth finish, good for sensitive skin (unless you leave it on too long and burn the most delicate part of your body), cheap, no need for appointments, painless (unless *see previous comment re burning).  Good for first timers and those afraid of sharp things.

Cons : Messy, hair grows back quickly, time consuming, stinky.

Waxing

Waxing left me an ingrown nightmare.  I am a bit special and any kind of ‘ripping hair out of its root’ style removal, results in a bumpy, red, often infected, mess.  No amount of tea tree or aloe is ever going to change that.  Also, my friend was my waxing lady and while it was cool when she just took a little off the sides, there’s something a little more embarrassing about having to spread ‘em and share your pink bits with your bestie.

I revisited waxing as an ‘at home’ option years later, obviously suffering from amnesia at the time and clearly forgetting why I gave that shit up in the first place.  But proceed I did, like some sort of masochistic lunatic, warming up sticky hot goop in the microwave, applying it to my poor little lady flaps and ripping the absolute bejesus out of them.  To say I ‘broke out’ would be an understatement.  If I had any kind of follow through I would have double bagged that shit and thrown it off an oil rig far out at sea, so it had no hope of finding its way back into my bathroom. Lest we remember.

Pros : Super smooth result that lasts for ages, someone else does it for you.

Cons : Expensive, need to make appointments, a bit hurty, can cause ingrowns.

At home waxing : Don’t even fucking go there, you nutters.

Epilators

These hand held torture devises are basically heaps of pairs of tweezers all stuck together having a plucking frenzy that you can’t control very well because they are powered by electricity.  If you want the thing to work you have to turn it on and there is no ‘gently now’ setting, so you just have to bite your lip and take it.  For legs and even underarms, the pain is almost bearable.  For anywhere near your fanny, these are even more insane than home waxing kits.

Pros : Removes hair at the root for a long lasting result.

Cons : Removes hair at the root for the most painful experience you will ever endure at your own hand or that of someone who hates your guts with a passion.  The hair removal of choice in Hell.

Electric shaver

Something that actually worked for me was an electric shaver.  You’d think I would have been so scarred from the epilator that I’d steer clear of another electrical device, but no.  Not me.  I am blessed with just enough crazy to live my life on the edge.  So I invested in the best shaver on the market, and rather than having to spend an age on all fours on the bathroom floor or standing with a leg up on the toilet like a proud explorer waiting for the Nair to work its magic, I just gave it a quick once over with the shaver and I was good to go.  No rash, no ingrowns, no death machine. I was onto a winner.

Pros : Quick, easy, painless, no ingrowns, cheap after the initial investment.

Cons : Hair grows back quickly but is so easy to get rid of that it really doesn’t matter. You could do a quick once over every day and be eternally smooth. A little bit tricky for your underneath bits as you have to take care not to snag any loose skin if you know what I mean.

Intense Pulsed Light Therapy (IPL)

It was not long after enjoying the shaver, that I came into some money, by which I mean, I increased my credit card limit.  Feeling flushed with pretend wealth, I decided to try IPL and treated myself to a package deal for my armpits and pink bits.  It was great and I opted for the same style I’d been sporting since my pubic renaissance. What surprised me about this treatment was that before each session, they shaved you down. I thought for sure that I was going to break out or flare up, but I never did. Instead, whatever that magical little light did, I was now able to use a razor on my most sensitive skin without any repercussions. Just nicely shaved skin that was even easier to maintain than using the electric shaver.

Pros : Very smooth, long lasting result, permanent hair reduction, hair grows through softer and finer.

Cons : Expensive, hurts a bit like a rubber band being flicked on your skin.

Shaving

Before my IPL sessions, shaving with a disposable razor had me looking like I had gravel rash on my front bum – picture that image if you will, of how one would get gravel rash down there, and only there.  Since having the treatment I’ve been able to use a razor anywhere and everywhere with only the occasional ingrown to deal with.

Pros : Cheap, convenient, closest shave, easy.

Cons : Hair grows back quickly and coarsely.  If you’re not careful you could cut yourself.  Can irritate sensitive skin.

The day I went bald

I’d like to finish off today by sharing the enlightening tale of how my pubic mound finally went to Bald Town and never returned.

As my IPL sessions progressed and the hair thinned out, I felt more and more relaxed about reclining back in the clinic chair, pantsless and spread-eagle waiting for my treatment.  The therapist and I had become great mates and we chatted away throughout the whole ordeal like long lost pals.  This one day was no exception, and she must have been feeling so comfortable that she became distracted and shaved off the lot.  I had gone to Brazil. It was all gone and I was completely shocked.  The therapist was apologetic and said she could just avoid that part with the light and it would just grow back as normal, but as I sat there staring at it, my feelings changed.  It was in that moment that I realised, I hated pubes, and that was ok. They served no purpose for me and I couldn’t be arsed with shaping them into the perfect triangle, and then trimming that triangle to the perfect length.  How easy would it be to just get in there and get rid of it all each time?  I thought that maybe I’d look a little ‘inappropriate’, but my hip to waist ratio was extreme enough that I didn’t feel like a little girl.  It just seemed like the practical thing to do.

Working my way through my thirties, another blindingly obvious reason to stay bald became oh so apparent.  The dreaded greys.  Unfortunately my cuffs and collars do match and just as I am blessed with glitter strands up top, so too is my bush a-sparkling.  I’m not a hundred yet, so I am far from ready to embrace and celebrate a visually aging box.  My husband is already younger than me, I don’t need to give him any more reminders of that, especially in the throes of passion.  So for me, it’s not on, unless it’s all off.  I’d like to invest in another round of IPL or similar treatment, but nothing that I know about to date can rid you of the greys permanently.  They are like cockroaches in a nuclear holocaust – they just won’t die.

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Image source: Imgur.com

So that would be the story of my pubic hair – from Chinchilla Persian to one of those weird hairless pussy cats.  I double dare you to share yours, especially if it involves vajazzles, mirkins, dye jobs or some creative shaping, a lightning bolt perhaps?  Or have you embraced the uber cool new trend of the full bush? And is it itchy?  Also, how many times have you seen ‘Vampyros Lesbos’?  Be honest.

Written By

Kate hosts the online community, One Cool Mother, where she encourages women to share their awesomeness and cut loose with like-minded ladies. She is also passionate about taking the bullshit out of beauty and finds nothing more satisfying than helping women choose effective products without wasting their money, through her Loveface Beauty edits and workshops. Kate also loves to write, drink whiskey and punch on…under the strict supervision of her personal trainer.

8 Comments

  • As always you made me laugh hysterically (Mum are you right there?) and yes I too have discovered the wonder of IPL but not a baldy – I can see a lot of merit in it though & maybe at my next appointment in a few months may be tempted now…..

  • The dreaded greys rear their unwelcomeness in the pubic form. God help us. Say no to the added sparkles down below, I hear you Kate Ritchie.

    (Vampyros Lesbos not yet but catchy title. )₩

    • Yep, there’s no way I could possibly embrace that. Up top, sure, but downstairs, no freaking way. Greys be gone!

      SBS usually run the cult classic at least once a year. Keep an eye out.

  • Love IPL, worked brilliantly for me. Shaving made me itch like nothing else ever so I only made that mistake twice. Just to make sure.

    Epilation is the WORST. I have multiple tattoos and endured a completely drug-free childbirth, totally fine, but there’s no way I’m touching an epilator again for the rest of my life.

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