For those of you who haven’t been following along at home (or who just find your own lives more interesting than mine – weirdos), I have been ticking a few goals off my to-do list lately. I ran my first half marathon – a goal since I suffered PND in 2011. Then, just to prove that wasn’t a fluke, I ran another one a month later. I have also recently started my own business and have just generally been buzzing around like a blue-arsed fly ticking things off my Big Life List.
Because YOLO (yeah, she did).
And achieving goals is awesome.
When I finished my second half marathon last week, I realised I needed another goal. Something to work towards. To borrow my friend Danielle’s terminology, I wanted to avoid the ‘suck back’. That is, I was terrified if I didn’t make another goal, I would stop running altogether and just sit on the couch eating chip sandwiches washed down with caramel milkshakes and lard. That’s what led me back on down to my group training studio, and a very clever and gorgeous woman called Nicola.
I went in without thinking things through – without knowing what my next goal should be. I thought we’d talk it over, and come out with something that would excite me and leave me fresh and enthusiastic for my Next Big Thing.
“Do you want to get buff and build some big muscles?” asks Nicola.
“Nah,” says me.
“Triathlons?” asks Nicola.
I screw up my nose. Whoever designed bike seats did not have my rump in mind, or was a sadistic fucker.
We go around like this for a bit, and then Nicola says, “You know what I think? I think you don’t need a goal. What you need is to recognise is that you are enough just as you are.”
There was silence in the room. A tumbleweek may have rolled through as we blinked at each other.
I can’t tell you how much this unnerved me. What does that even mean? What am I supposed to do with that information? We talked about it for a bit longer, and I realised Nicola totally has my number. I love/hate when that happens.
I mean, I’m generally a pretty happy person, and I am very lucky to live the life I live, but it’s true that I do feel like I need to fill every waking moment in my days with something useful; something with a purpose; something that tells the world that I’m totally worth having around.
Nicola looked at me square in the eyes before I walked out and said, “You are enough.”
So of course I walked outside and burst into tears.
Holy shit, maybe I am. Maybe I need to stop chasing goals and trying to justify my existence to the world – and to myself.
So my new goal – and I thoroughly appreciate the irony of calling it that – is to accept myself as I am, enjoy every day, and stop trying so hard. Sure, I can still work towards things – that’s healthy and that’s how shit gets done, but I also need to stop, breathe, and accept myself as I am.
Because I am enough.
It makes me squirm in my chair just typing it but pushing through discomfort is the way to personal growth, right? That, and tattoos.
Are you enough? Is this a life lesson you’ve got down?
And by the way, if you live on the southside of Brisbane and you want to experience the wonder of Nicola, check out Soulfit. You won’t be sorry.