Science proves drinking wine before bed will help you lose weight

Sometimes science is a pain in the arse. Barbecuing your steak causes cancer. Getting a suntan is bad. Cocaine is addictive…

But then, sometimes, science delivers data that just makes you want to kiss that muppet scientist square on his furry mouth.

Turns out drinking wine before bed can help you lose weight. Not that we care about that stuff. *side eye*

And this isn’t from Upper Bum Crack TAFE or anything like that. We’re talking Harvard and Washington State University, baby!

There is a chemical in wine called resveratrol, which can turn your white good-for-nothing fat cells into brown calorie-burning cells.

How much do you need to see a benefit? Scientists say drinking at least two glasses per night can help beat obesity by 70 per cent. (There is a point, of course, where other problems will start to creep in there, so let’s just go with two glasses.)

Another reason the wine helps is because it gives you something to put in your mouth that isn’t a slice of cake or an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s – so if that’s a problem for you, try wine instead. Of course, if half a bottle of wine just encourages you to get a kebab and go to a disco, you might need to rethink your strategy.

Of course, science is like the bible: full of dudes, and you can find bits of it to support whatever argument you want to put forward. So, of course, I’m choosing to believe that this is the single biggest discovery of the 21st Century.

And why on earth wouldn’t you choose to agree?