It’s been about a month since I turned to my husband and said: “I think we should have sex every night for two weeks.”
His response was nothing shy of a ninja. In one deft movement he had flicked his kindle shut, placed it on the bedside table and rolled towards me saying, “go on.”
You could probably describe our sex life as being in a period of drought. Like one of those one in 100 year droughts. Mumma’s body has been through a lot over the last five years including:
- Five pregnancies
- Three healthy babies delivered by c-section
- Two first trimester miscarriages
- 27 months of breast feeding on demand with breasts fluctuating from D cup to G three times and still feeding
- Nine nights of uninterrupted sleep (totally guessing, but I’m confident it’s less than 10)
- Weight gain up to 103kg with first pregnancy
- Current weight in the healthy homeostasis range of about 72kg – about 7kg heavier than my initial pre-baby weight.
So you know, my relationship with my body has been a bit strained over the last few years. It has changed hugely and it just hasn’t felt like mine in any way, shape or form.
On top of that, things between hubs and I had been getting increasingly strained and I felt like we were two best friends raising their mutual children. We looked at each other one morning prior to me throwing down the gauntlet and confessed that neither of us felt like we even knew the other anymore. It was scary and sad.
I had recently listened to Yumi Styne’s fabulous podcast Ladies we need to talk. I’ve listened to all of them and highly recommend them but the one that made me go, “I need to do something about this!” was the one on libido. At the end of the podcast I felt that someone finally understood me. The challenge of new motherhood, doing it all, and also being a sexual being for my partner was kind of wearing me down. I realised I was putting so much pressure on myself to be something for my partner, when I really needed to be a sexual being for me. To help me feel good, not just hubs, so I decided to take action.
So in my true all or none style I ripped the Bbnd-aid off by declaring the drought to be over. It would rain sex for the next two weeks and my husband was very happy to come along for the storm and jump in the puddles.
The two weeks ended a little while back now and its time to share with you the sex, I mean six, things that I learnt. I’m pretty sure if you don’t have a partner you could totally have sex with yourself for two weeks and still learn this stuff. Now we’re all grown ups here so even if you do have a partner you should absolutely be having sex with yourself as well my lady!
- We are getting old. Early on I’m pretty sure I exacerbated an old lower back injury as result of my 14 day sex challenge and ended up at the physio. Husband also incurred a groin injury playing social sport during the two weeks but I like to think it was a result of our prowess between the sheets. *eye roll* there’s no crazy stuff going on, all very standard sex stuff, perhaps if we keep the standard stuff up it will lead to crazier things but for now it’s good standard rodgering, which is just what we both need.
- At about day four I started to feel beautiful again. Unless your partner is an asshole they actually think you are beautiful all of the time. Like if they really love you they just think you are beautiful. They really want to be close to you and love you and they aren’t worried about the fact that your bottom is a little flatter or that you won’t take your nursing singlet off, and even if you did and they had milk spray on them, it probably wouldn’t bother them because they love you and they still think you are beautiful.
- Good sex means more dopamine, and the whole dopamine thing in your brain pathway stuff. It’s true. And if you are exercising that pathway it gets stronger and you feel good generally and it carries over into other parts of your life, and these other areas feel happier and you tend to just enjoy life more.
- It made me a better mum. My love cup is fuller and that means my patience cup is brimming as well, which is super handy when you have three little children on your hands most of the time. So more sex meant I was a better mum.
- Hubs and I reconnected. With the regular intimacy came more cuddles, more passionate kissing in the kitchen or in passing, more hand holding on the couch, more conversations as opposed to criticism and more laughter. Like the deep down in your belly laughter. It reminded us of who we were before the kids. Its helped us get a better grip on who we are as individuals and a couple now.
- Sex is fun again. I used to wake up every morning and be like, ok tonight we will have sex. I will do it for my husband. And every night I was too tired to even think about it and then all the body insecurity stuff would see me do the peck and roll away. Again. A few days into the experiment and I was well reminded of why making love is so much fun, and it’s not my duty it is my right to feel good and have that joy too.
Now there were a couple of occasions that we didn’t have sex, aforementioned groin injury and a heat wave meant that we skipped two nights. The good news though is that we are still making love and we are better people for it.
I know it feels like hard work sometimes, well it certainly did for me, but if you are struggling with motivation then do it for you! Get amongst it and get jiggy with it.
*The author of this article has chosen to remain anonymous.