Dear Jezabel Jones,
I’ve been with my partner for a few years, and we have had a pretty good sex life. The problem is, he wants anal sex. He has brought it up a few times, I’m really not at all into it, but I think if I don’t he’ll get bored with me.
My dear AP, what terrifies me here is your fear that if you don’t do what he wants you will lose him. Alarm bells ringing loudly in my ears. I do not like toys being thrown out of prams. And moves from coercion to manipulation are not on my to-tolerate list.
Assuming I am reading more into this than you write, let’s put that aside and discuss anal sex. It is not new. What is new, is how prevalent the discussion about anal sex is, and how visible it has become on our screens. It has risen as something of a phenomenon in the porn industry, with ‘stars’ now prized for their ability to take it up the bum. The reason? It looks better on film, and what looks better on film makes more money. More money, more screen time. More screen time, more discussion. More discussion, more desire.
Don’t get me wrong, anal sex is not some capitalist evil, it is just another form of sex and, if done with consensus and a certain decorum can be an incredibly intimate and pleasurable experience for all involved. However, it is not for everybody. I know a number of people who can’t get past thinking that ‘it’s where the poo goes’, which is certainly not a visual that most would want to take between the sheets.
Add to that the realities of the messiness it can invoke and, if not performed appropriately, the lack of pleasure it can deliver, and I can appreciate the myriad bad experiences had, and aversion to try, try again if indeed ever at all.
Personally, get me in the right mood, and I am a fan. But this ‘mood’ takes a lot of respect, trust, and damn hot turning on for me to get to. If it is something for curiosity, write me again AP and I will happily share how I find my pleasure that way, but we each know our limits, and yours I feel may be there.
In which case what to do. Continue on the journey of your pretty good sex life. Practice your pelvic floor. Many men cite the tightness of the anus as the reason for their pleasure, and I am not saying you are in anyway loose, my lady, but please concur that a little tightening brings only benefit for us all.
Find other ways to push the conventions, and see if you can’t get to the bottom of your partners desires (pun!) and find other ways to fill that little cup of curiosity.